JOURNEY THROUGH THE YONI
FINDING YOUR PLACE IN THE WORLD
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Tell me somethin', girl
Are you happy in this modern world?
Or do you need more?
Is there somethin' else you're searchin' for?
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Tell me something, boy
Aren't you tired tryin' to fill that void?
Or do you need more?
Ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore?
From the song "Shallow" (Lady Gaga/Bradley Cooper)
Shallow lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Downtown Music Publishing, Universal Music Publishing Group, Concord Music Publishing LLC
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The other night, I was up late working on another article when I overheard my neighbours having sex.
If you know what to listen to, you can tell a lot from the sound itself.
Not just how much pleasure they're actually having...
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You can tell what's happening deep within them, the imprints that are happening in those moments, the unconscious evaluation happening right at this time that will influence how they will feel about each other and about themselves in the larger picture of their interaction.
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I say interaction because the first thing that was clear was that they were not a couple.
They didn't know each other and they weren't intimate.
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They went for it a couple of times, and every time they were further from getting into the connection they desired deep down.
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I could hear, in the sound,in the absence of it, the gaping void between them, even though they were as close as it gets.
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I could tell how they feel about themselves, how well they know who they are and what they desire.
He set the context for the interaction and from the way she was trying to navigate within it, I could hear how she uses her voice in the world, how worthy she truly feels and whether she knows how to assert herself when the situation asks for it.
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From how he handled the power in his hands, I could tell how far along the path of finding out what it means to be a man he is, I could tell how respected he feels in company of other men and whether he feels confident enough in his masculinity to be authentic and trust himself to lead.
As that dreaded moment when he felt she's "not feeling it" came again, I could feel, through the desperately increasing intensity of his thrusts, as the feeling of powerlessness washed over him, the void within him and the longing that kept him from getting lost in it - longing to prove himself and longing for someone he respects enough to want to prove himself to.
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Through her sounding the prelude to that moment, I could feel her panic, her disorientation, her gradual giving up and I could feel the place of suspense and paralysis within her, where she's searching for her voice and knowing that there is someone who wants to hear it, the one who encourages her to express how she truly feels and who she truly is - someone whom she fully trusts and who helps her trust herself.
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"I just want to feel you."
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The words you have probably heard from a man, both when it was the first, and when it was the last thing you wanted to hear.
Whether you heard it in the midst of intimacy from a man you love, or if it was unwanted attention from a stranger, it's the one sentence you can be sure is honest.
It is an expression of the deepest desire within both men and women, and if that desire is not met, no matter what your mind tells you, no matter if you think it should work, how badly you want it to work, there will be doubts in the back of your mind, you will still be searching.
What we all really search for in this world is a home.
Who doesn't want to feel that they are in the right place, doing the right thing and being with the right person?
The only thing we have to tell us if we found it is just that - our feeling.
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Before I take you through what it truly takes to be able to find it and recognize it when you do, remember that quote from the beginning of the article, from the song Shallow?
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You'll see me referencing the song and the movie it comes from, "A star is born", below.
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There's a lot of truth, courage and plain brilliance in the story the movie tells and how it does it, but I think Lady Gaga, who plays the lead, expressed its most vital message when she said that what she is most grateful for in the whole experience is that the song Shallow was created and put out there.
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She said that world needs to hear this, that in many ways, we lead shallow lives.
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Yes, we lead shallow lives because we follow shallow feelings.
Most people do not feel deeply enough to keep their intuition clear.
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And that is how we get lost.
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Without deep feeling you cannot strengthen your intuition.
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You might be doing it in different ways right now, searching constantly on the outside, waiting for something and someone that makes you "feel it".
And you might be finding it, too - only to find that it doesn't last.
Have you ever started to "live your dreams", and it all looked right on the outside, and it all should've felt right, but it just - didn't?
Have you ever been with a person whom you felt truly special with, felt like "this is it", this is home... only to find out after some time that that feeling of searching is back?
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Chances are, that like most people, you are living reactively, not intuitively.
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To access intuition, we need to reach deep, and sense the world around us from that place.
Intuition is a deep feeling of resonance. It is not euphoria, a rush which we often mistake it for.
Intuition is our guide home, and sensing home feels like a deep, relieved, grateful "aaaah" not a squeaky, grabbing "weeeeee".
Get the picture?
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When you live reactively, mostly out of touch with your intuition, you get caught in the web that your own unresolved feelings weave around you.
You find yourself stuck in jobs, places and relationships because of fear, jealousy, guilt, hurt, pain...
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Can you see how that might have played out in your life?
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How not feeling guilt feels so much better than feeling guilt, so whatever I need to do to avoid it must be the right thing?
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Not feeling jealousy feels so much better than feeling it, it must be right to get him/her back?
If you want to find home, and where and with whom you fit in, you´ll need to first look at yourself.
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And it needs to be honest.
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There is nothing that brings the naked truth about ourselves to light like the process of bonding with someone.
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It shows you exactly where are your weaknesses,in which ways you unconsciously run away from home.
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So let me take you on an intimate journey through just that.
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Journey through the yoni
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Tell me somethin', girl
Are you happy in this modern world?
Or do you need more?
Is there somethin' else you're searchin' for?
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Shallow (Cooper/Gaga)
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Yoni lips
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I stood naked in front of him, and watched him look at me.
It did something to me, like a strong gush of wind messed up my hairstyle, the confidence that was sourced from being in control of what I look like slipped away.
Will I try to control what he is looking at or will I let him look into me?
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Here is your innocence.
It does not depend on how much sex you've had, or what it was like. Innocence cannot be lost like that.
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Cooper's first move was to have her wipe off all her makeup so she could be “completely open. No artifice,”
By Muller, WMagazine; describing the shooting of the screentest for the movie "A star is born"; director Bradley Cooper's instructions to his leading lady, Lady Gaga
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Photo credit © Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.
Watch as I dive in...
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Can you put aside the wish to be admired and allow yourself to be vulnerable instead?
This is where the context for the interaction is set.
If you can let yourself be seen, and stop performing, and truly let another in - then the interaction happens within you.
In the range of your sexual expression(and your expression in general), this is the part which is not seductive, not sexy, has no agenda. The voice of the heart, warmth, humanness.
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Clitoris
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I was lying down, slowly losing sight of his face as his lips touched my inner thighs.
There was a rhythm in his kisses, attentive pauses, and I felt a wave of softening pass through my body.
When he found his way to the clitoris, my heart responded.
His tongue was agile, light, warm presence.
While my body was caught in pleasure, my heart's attention was caught by the energy enveloping it. His energy. I could feel the kindness and empathy in him.
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How do you act in the state of heightened sensitivity?
When you are exposed, are you able to open to deeper intimacy?
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Once you let yourself be seen, you are in the territory of truth, not who you want to be but who you are.
Can you admit your insecurities and struggles when someone recognizes them and not deny them or become defensive?
In theory, most of us want to reveal our soul to another, have those deep moments of recognition and soul connection, feel understood, feel that we belong.
In reality, we lose many of those moments by never learning how to soften when someone touches our tender spots.
If we do, we create a unique opportunity to know whether that person is someone you want to allow deeper within you.
If their presence feels good, you will feel yourself soften and want more, want to let them in deeper.
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Gspot
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I felt the ring of muscles at the entrance of my yoni wrapped around him.
I was wet and warm, wanting him.
Still, in the intensity of desire, I could feel that ring of resistance.
I wasn't ready to fully open yet.
I needed to stay in the grasp of suspense with him a little longer. I wanted to know how deep his attention is, how clear his head and heart.
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What do you accept into yourself, into your life?
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What makes you say yes?
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It has been one of my biggest lessons in life to date to understand the reasoning behind my yes's.
In my work with women, the recurring question that comes up has to do with their choices of past partners, along with the feeling of confusion and lack of self-trust that followed those relationships, and at the bottom line, disconnection from intuitive knowing.
The confusion and misery after a wrecked relationship starts with a yes that has been decided upon in advance.
When what makes you say yes is you and your idea, when you have already decided that you will let him in all the way no matter what.
The alternative is that your yes is not already there, but it arises from the unfolding of events.
When you say yes not to the man but to his actions, not to the idea of him, but to his presence.
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There comes a point when you say yes to fully receiving him. When that ring of yours slips onto him.
That´s when you commit to give him a chance.
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I'm off the deep end
Watch as I dive in,
I'll never meet the ground.
Crash through the surface,
Where they can't hurt us,
We're far from the shallow now.
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from Shallow (Gaga/Cooper)
Shallow lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Downtown Music Publishing, Universal Music Publishing Group, Concord Music Publishing LLC
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Cervix
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His thrusts became freer, more flowing.
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There was a clear rhythm to it, not the absent minded, automatic pulse, it was deliberate.
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He was leading.
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There was no calculation in what he was doing, it was earthy and natural.
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He was tired, we both were, but I could clearly feel his power.
But more than that, I was acutely aware of him, his presence was captivating in a way that told me it was arising from a deep, well worn part of him.
He was being himself, and I felt trust in him.
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My body was surrendering, I felt lost in the heat and passion and pleasure and knew that it´s a matter of moments before I go over the edge.
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And then something deeper overrode my sexual response.
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I could suddenly feel the strain and struggle in my body, from the times in my life I needed to push beyond my abilities to make it, the fears I had to walk through over the years to come right where I was - and then I felt it releasing, melting off me.
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At that moment with him, I didn´t need to be strong.
Because I knew that he was.
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To allow the orgasmic wave to move from the intensity of the gspot deeper into the yoni, to the cervix, which is wired by different nerves for a different kind of orgasm, takes the ability to shift your focus fully onto yourself, onto your feeling.
It takes deep self awareness and presence, assuming the inner posture of listening and receptivity.
How self-aware are you?
Do you bring your attention back to yourself and deeper feelings when someone triggers you or do you lash out, demanding your reaction to be validated, wanting to prove you're right?
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For deep penetration to feel good and not painful, your womb needs to be soft, not holding onto tension.
Same stands for intimacy.
You know that when you truly allow someone in, take them as they are, you will find out that the reality of them is different than your idea of them.
Loving someone includes allowing them to be themselves.
And that is really more of an ability than a choice (and a part of the answer to "why love isn't enough" to sustain a relationship).
Through learning how to work with your triggers, you train yourself to stop swimming in the emotional shallows and fighting, and start diving in your depth, and understanding.
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Tell me somethin', girl
Are you happy in this modern world?
Or do you need more?
Is there somethin' else you're searchin' for?
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The womb
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I was alone.
My hair was falling over my chest and shoulders, down my back, enveloping me, still holding onto his scent.
I was still tender between my legs. Where he had been, there was now a lingering sense of openness, down to my core.
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You can learn a lot about yourself through how you act after you've opened to someone.
There is the urge to reach out, tie loose ends, a logic in the back of your mind that says he got you into this state, now he should get you out.
Can you handle vulnerability?
Do you embrace the openness or see it as a disability that needs to be fixed?
One of the most important decisions you can make as a woman is to not mistake the source of your deepest power for weakness, not mistake your sensitivity and openness for an open wound.
We bleed not because we are wounded, but because we are healthy.
What I hear from women when they reach deep into their heart, and what I know in the depths of me, is that, beyond all, we desire vulnerability.
We also fear it above all.
Not the vulnerability itself, what I see is that we are afraid to face the failures we've been through and the possibility of going through the same hurt again.
If you can start caring less about where you're at and where this is going, and more about how you got here and how you wish to continue, your life will change for good - and for the better.
No matter what happened, how painful the failures, how deep the wounds, are you willing to open again?
If you are, you have found what everyone is searching for, but few ever find: your free will - your freedom - and yourself.
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I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now.
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Lady Gaga as Ally in "A star is born"
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Photo credit © Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.
Let´s bring this home.
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Honesty is pretty tough.
You gotta dig deep.
And sometimes we don´t wanna dig deep, ´cause it requires work, it requires having to look yourself in the mirror and hurt a little bit.
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But, man, it´s like, after you hurt, like when you work out, you break the muscle tissue only for it to multiply... you dig deep, so that you can rise above and be like "damn, look what I did..."
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Looking yourself in the mirror and hurting a bit gets you to rise above reactivity.
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You start to understand that you can´t know what or where or who is right, if you are not right.
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Have you ever found yourself in a situation which was a complete mess, even though it felt like the right thing to do at first?
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Yes, when the time is right - at the times when we´re a mess - we tend to end up in the wrong places.
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Have you ever wondered, is it the right person, but the wrong time?
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Even though we all sometimes want to believe that only time will tell - it won´t.
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Only your intuition will.
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If you dig deep and are willing to be honest, you can always remember the way home.
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